Nice, but a little bit violent.

So I got the opportunity to hang out with my best friend last night. It’s always a little weird because I forget how much he knows me. The same for my husband. It’s a little weird, but not unwelcome. It keeps me honest.

I’m making new friends now and these new friends are sort of a complicated relationship. More complicated than any of my current friendships, but not in a bad way. It’s one of those things where if it works out, I could gain new best friends. I know people can’t have multiple best friends. Best implies the top, but my best friends run the gamut. My oldest friend is the guy that knows me best. My closest friend, who has only known me for about 5 years, knows me a bit, but she is someone I can confide in and who knows she can confide in me. My husband knows me really well. It’s one of those things where living with someone who gets to see your habits every day amps up the familiarity factor. 12 years with my oldest friend (OF) vs. 6 years with my husband (TH) gives them the same kind of information. It’s a little weird. OF may know things more quickly than TH, but they usually can read my expressions and body language and know what is going on in my head.

I’m one of those people who are usually so candid that I also end up not being able to hide my true feelings. Anyone who knows me knows that everything I feel is on my face. I don’t know if I’ve necessarily gotten better at hiding my emotions, but I do know that others have gotten better at pretending they don’t know what I’m thinking. It’s something I appreciate in my friends. 

It’s interesting that people want to protect me. Last night, I was sitting at my favourite watering hole on the back patio, the cool breezes blowing through my hair, over my face. I could feel anxiety within me. I identified that anxiety and told myself to let it go. I was waiting for my best friend to show up. I was waiting for a new friend, who came out with me and bought me a drink. I was being texted by other new friends who wanted me to hang out. I decided that I would let the anxiety go, at least for the moment, and accept the love of my friends, of my husband, or anyone who was willing to give it, and feel I truly deserved that love.

There are so many things about my life that is in turmoil. My emotions are jacked right now. I want to be more mature, but sometimes I feel like my maturity ran out about 8 years ago. I’d been responsible for my family since I was 6. I didn’t practically raise my siblings, I did raise them. My dad was basically the babysitter while I was in school, but when I came home, it was all me. Cooking dinner, cleaning, discipline, everything – it was all on me. For 20 years, I was the most responsible child and young adult I could be. I didn’t know how to have fun. Sometimes, I still don’t know. I’m too intense. I’m too conflicted. I’m too something I don’t want to be. And my feelings…

I’m glad that my friends are willing to take me at face value. I’m glad that they are willing to not push when I’m not ready to talk. I appreciate that they are there when I am ready to talk. Sometimes, I’m just glad for the hug that people are ready and willing to offer. For that, I’m very grateful.